Last night a friend asked me if I was happy and if I ever thought about being happy. From what I can piece together from my drunk memories… he said he was at a place where he was content with his life and felt in a good place. My response was no. With my vowels drawn out and a “are you kidding me?” tone. Work, finances, education, relationships leave me so overwhelmed I rely on chemicals to stabilize me. I know I posted a while back about that Charlie Brown quote where Linus says when he grows up he just wants to be happy. I am still waiting to grow up and just be happy.
My heart hurt, I feel like I’m always chosen second to everything else. That I’m less important.
There are so many things I want for myself and I know that now is the time in my life to make those things happen before it is too late. I see my friends trying to do that and I want to but I feel like there are too many things pulling me down that i’m sinking faster then I can swim to the surface.